


Trouble on Tatooine

by MooseMeister



Series: Countdown [1]
Category: Fire Emblem: Kakusei | Fire Emblem: Awakening, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: F/F, Revisionist Fairy Tale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-28
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-12-21 00:50:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11932881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MooseMeister/pseuds/MooseMeister
Summary: A long, long time ago, on a desert planet far, far away... An outrageous Stormtrooper! A warrior lady! A cute but ruthless princess! A mysterious hit job! Maybe Luke is in real TROUBLE ON TATOOINE now...Follow our heroines dealing with thugs, aliens and unexpected feelings!





	Trouble on Tatooine

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there, this is my first foray into Fanfic! Enjoy the slightly revisionist episode that most likely takes place in an alternative-timeline Star Wars universe...

**Dramatis personae**

  * **Kea,** a ruthless but charming warrior lady.
  * **Celica** , a princess from a world far, far away, interested in embroidery and killing people. 
  * **Luke Kowalski** , a young man who believes he is destined to be more than a simple farm boy.
  * **Ben Kenobi** , a wise old man with a treasure trove of secret knowledge or maybe just a conning geezer with a thirst for alcohol.
  * **Star Vixen** , an Imperial Stormtrooper on a secret mission on Tatooine.



 

**COUNTDOWN MINUS 114 MINUTES**

Luke stepped out of the Landspeeder and paced towards the entrance of the Cantina on Mos Eisley.

“Sir, I expect with a probability of eighty-five percent that you get into trouble in there.”

Luke turned around and faced his protocol droid. C-3PO was sitting on the passenger seat, his golden metal glistening in the bright light of Tatooine’s dual suns.

“Threepio, I can assure you I have everything under control. Just wait here until I return from my meeting.” That smug droid was constantly questioning his actions, he certainly needed some re-programming when they would return to the Moisturizer Farm later.

 

**COUNTDOWN MINUS 113 minutes**

“Hey, warrior lady, you cannot park your dewback in front of the Cantina. Chalmun’s orders.” 

Kea feigned a smile, got off her Cruxopus and tried to appease the large animal, patting its neck. Then she grabbed the clueless Advozse bouncer and got him into headlock. 

“Does this one look like a fucking dewback, you moron?” She moved closer to the mouth of her Cruxopus. The large four-legged, scaled creature opened its huge mouth, exposing a row of razor-sharp teeth which were a nice contrast to the two sets of opposing tusks that framed the mouth. The Cruxopus growled and drooled all over the bouncer’s horn on his hairless head.

“Ok, sorry, my mistake,” he stammered, while Kea dragged him over the dusty area in front of the main entrance to the Cantina. She finally released him and pushed him towards a tethered Jerba which was silently chewing Poonten grass. Kea’s Cruxopus watched the stupid and ugly creature with disdain. The bouncer dusted off his shaggy uniform, bowed and vanished into the dark interior, relieved. 

Kea grinned and adjusted the metal breastplate of her armor. She removed the additional metal pieces that covered her shoulders and thighs and put them back into a saddle bag. When she turned around, she bumped into a smallish, fair-haired human.

“Watch your step, boy,” she snarled.

“It was obviously your fault. But I will be lenient and overlook your  mishap, for I have an important meeting.”

Kea clenched her teeth. Her appetite for another violent encounter was limited and incidentally she also was about to meet someone in the Cantina. The  mysterious contact person had promised her “a shitload of money for easy work”. She sincerely hoped her that dim-witted boy was not her client.

“Will you watch my Landspeeder for me,” blurted the boy, in a disparaging tone, “as there are many shady folks around here?”

Kea snarled. The boy gave her orders as if she was his servant. She would make him pay for his arrogance und hubris, but later. Right now, she grinned mischievously and took a bow. “Sure,” she replied, her voice sweet, “is it that purple one with the weird line pattern and the droid inside?”

“It is. Thank you. You shall be greatly rewarded.” The boy walked straight into the Cantina, not looking back.

Kea made a “I shoot you” gesture towards the droid. The robot looked left and right, then he cowered in his seat. Kea chuckled. 

I will deal with that Landspeeder later, she thought and followed the boy inside.

 

**COUNTDOWN MINUS 111 minutes**

Luke scanned the Cantina for the man he was looking for. The shabby, drug-infested den was filled with weird alien creatures that gathered around the U-shaped bar. Others were plotting evil plans in the secretive booths around the outer wall. Finally he spotted old Ben sitting at the bar, wearing his modest, slightly ruffled toga. Luke walked over and sat down next to the old and wise Ben Kenobi, curator of knowledge, clandestine Jedi Knight and Luke’s mentor.

“Master Ben, when will you tell me more about the secrets of the Jedi? About the immense power that is the Force?” Luke did not lose time, his curiosity was almost killing him.

“Soon, soon, but I’m still thirsty.” Ben pointed at the tall cocktail glass in front of him, empty except a folded miniature umbrella.

Luke made an impatient hand gesture to the bartender, a methane-snorkeling Morseerian who grunted but started mixing the new drink. A moment later he put the foaming Tatooine Sunset in front of Ben Kenobi. The old man angrily grabbed the umbrella and threw it over his shoulder. “Why the fuck do they put this stupid umbrellas in the glasses? When was the last time, it had fucking rained on Tatooine?” He downed the cocktail in one large gulp and belched.

Luke had never been very appreciative of the colorful language the old and wise Jedi Knight used, but this was a small price to pay for the incredible enlightenment that Luke expected from Ben Kenobi’s guidance.

“Master Ben, please excuse my youthful impatience, but I’m eager to learn the ways of the Jedi. Please inspire me with your treasure trove of knowledge!”

Ben turned to Luke and squinted his eyes. “Come back, next week, young Luke, and I will tell you more!” 

The bartender, his eyes barely visible behind the thick glasses of the heavy googles of his breathing apparatus, turned to Luke and started speaking. Moments later, the translator clipped to his belt sounded in a raspy voice. “Mr. Kowalski, you want anything to drink?”

Luke could barely contain his anger. “Name is Skywalker, not Kowalski, I told you that hundred of times.” He raised his voice until he shouted the last words out loud, leaning over the counter towards the intimidated barkeeper. The Morseerian moved a step back and made an appeasing hand gesture.

Luke exhaled. “Sorry, Master Ben, I still have problems to contain my dark emotions. The Force needs to be emboldened in me. I will mediate now for a while!”

Ben shrugged. “If you say so, Junior. Pour me another one, will ya?” He winked at the bartender. “On his tab,” he whispered and pointed his thumb at Luke, who had his eyes closed and mumbling quietly.  

 

**COUNTDOWN MINUS 110 minutes**

Kea walked through the Cantina to her reserved booth where she was supposed to meet her client. 

A green-skinned Rodian blocked her way, the alien grinned and salivated.

“This is a test“ he grunted.

“Nice to meet you, too. But you’re still the same ugly bastard, Greedo!” 

“I really want to duck you you human woman“ 

“A woman like me don’t get any pleasure from you. Rumor is: you always shoot first, old rat face!” 

The patrons in earshot guffawed. Kea gave some of them a fist pump and walked to her booth. She was still unsure what to expect form her mysterious client who should arrive soon. Kea was a well-known mercenary on Tatooine so probably she would be hired to kill or intimidate or abduct someone. Her Cruxopus had bitten off one or another limb from her more unlucky marks. But Kea’s favorite weapon was her long-range sniper rifle. The guys here called her “Long-Shot Kea” not for nothing. She grinned and patted the cold, smooth metal of the weapon, that she nonchalantly laid on the murky, scratched table.

Kea spotted someone unusual making his way through the crowd. An Imperial Stormtrooper, in bright white full-body armor walked confidently towards Kea’s table. The man looked out of place in the swirling, dark, multi-ethnic cantina. When the Stormtrooper got closer, Kea raised one eyebrow. The full-body armor sported a quite impressive boob piece on the chest. With one fluid motion, the female Stormtrooper took off her helmet. 

“Call me Star Vixen, baby!” The woman had long dark brown curls, a lot actually, that she swirled around lasciviously for quite some time. _Probably an enticing sight to some, but Kea was unfazed. Business is business._

_“Nice to meet you,” replied Kea in a neutral tone. “What’s the job about?”_

_“No time to lose, great!” The Stormtrooper that had called herself Star Vixen grinned but the smile never reached her eyes. She handed Kea a small data pyramid. When Kea’s fingers touched its raspy surface, images and text were projected from the pyramid onto the table surface._

_“DNA-locked, impressive.” The Stormtrooper observed Kea intensely as she perused the information. Kea was astonished, as the photos showed that little farm boy who had harassed her in front on the Cantina just minutes ago. She maintained her poker face and hid her surprise. Kea had still her own unfinished business with him, so she could combine business and pleasure in this job._

“So you want me to capture that little prick? Eh, Luke Kowalski is his name? Farmer boy. He’s seems to be quite harmless from what I see here.” She did not mention that he had just met him outside, as she did not want her job to sound too easy, and the resulting pay-off too small.

“Well, I’m just following orders here, from very high up, actually. Something about an alternative timeline, multiverse, preventive measures, you know.” Star Vixen blinked conspiratorially and fluttered her long black eyelashes.

Kea yawned and downed her liquor. 

“Politics’ not my thing. Money is. How much?”

“Ten thousand Galactic Credits, directly into your bank account!” Star Vixen leaned forward. Her perfume was quite alluring, but that’s all what’s alluring about that chick, thought Kea.

“Fifteen thousand. Five now. Ten if I deliver the boy. Cash.”

“You drive a hard bargain, Kea.” Star Vixen moved closer and put her armor-covered hand on Kea’s naked thigh. “You’re a woman of my taste.”

“Well, our tastes are obviously quite different. Stormtroopers are not my thing either.”

Star Vixen sighed theatrically and leaned back in her seat. “Your loss.”

“Conditions of the deal?” Kea asked.

“Apprehend the boy and contact me. I’ll take care of the rest. Clock is ticking, you have six hours.”

Kea nodded. “Won’t take that long”, she said confidently and extended her hand. The Stormtrooper responded with a firm handshake and put on her heavy helmet again. 

“We have a deal,” she said, her voice now mechanically distorted. She reached to the back of her suit and took five 1000 Credit bills out of a small pink purse.

Kea nodded briefly, pocketed the money and watched the Stormtrooper leave.

She hated those arrogant pricks of the Empire, the smug bastards enraged the whole Tatooine community with their condescending behavior. But money was money, and the Stormtrooper chick with her outrageous boob-suit had offered good cash for the job. Since Kea already knew where to find that young farmer, it would be easy money.

 

**COUNTDOWN MINUS 99 minutes**

Minutes later, Luke finally opened his eyes. 

“I feel the Force growing in me, my dark emotions have sunken to the ground.”

Ben grimaced and ordered another cocktail on Luke’s tab.

“Master Ben, I have to show to something. Look at this!”

Luke put a small device on the counter in front of him, a metal rod the length of his hand, with buttons on the side and a lens at one end. 

“This is my lightsaber that will be my tool when I become a Jedi Knight, too!”

Ben picked up the gadget and inspected it from all sides. “Looks like a flashlight to me.” He pressed a button and suddenly the Barkeeper was dimly illuminated by a yellowish cone of light. Ben and the Morseerian nodded.

“Stop that dangerous tomfoolery, Ben. You of all people should know that!”

“Boy, if you think your flashlight is some mystical and powerful weapon, your stupidity will get you killed!” Ben blurted and downed his new cocktail.

Luke snorted, grabbed the flashlight and held it with both hands. He started to swing it around and made swooshing sounds. “I’m a Jedi!” He continued with child-like glee.

“Ben, I want you to come with me to Alderaan,” Luke spurted, “there’s nothing for me here now. I want to learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi like my father.”

Ben put up his hands in defense. “Hey, hey, hold your horses, boy. I’m not going anywhere.” 

“But I need to go! What conditions you have before we can start the journey, Master Ben?”

“First,” Ben exclaimed, wagging his finger, “you have to buy me another drink. Then I will think for a while about your question.”

Luke sighed but signaled the barkeeper to proceed.

 

**COUNTDOWN MINUS 95 minutes**

Celica had been to many planets during her journey of the past year, but this Tatooine was at the bottom of her ranking. It was a confusing and dirty place. A dirty and hot place filled with many unfriendly, uncultivated people. People who lacked manners and proper etiquette. She had to fight awkward and quite appalling suggestions from many of the guests in this establishment, from various species and various genders.

But the information from the Galactic Assassin Guild clearly had directed her to Chalmun's Spaceport Cantina in Mos Eisley, and she had to find her next mentor here.

She sighed and continued to push through the packed bar. The music from the band was awful and hurt her ears. Nobody in the galaxy liked a proper string quartet anymore, she thought wistfully.

Where is my stupid mentor? She looked on her wrist computer. Five meters in front of her, apparently. A large Stormtrooper in full body-armor ran into her and pushed her to the side.

“Hey, watch your step,” Celica complained, her eyes squinted.

“Move away, civilian,” blurted the Stormtrooper, “or be prepared to be deported to the Moosemeister Mine Colony!” The voice was distorted, mechanical, snide.

Celica tried to regain her composure, straightened her skirt, tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and moved to the desk where her future mentor was sitting.

 

**COUNTDOWN MINUS 94 minutes**

Someone cleared his throat, but Kea was not in the mood for company. She was already planning her moves. Maybe that Luke guy was still here in the Cantina? But apprehending the boy in the crowded bar was dangerous. The potential for collateral damage was too high, let alone the unwanted publicity. Not a good idea at all. She needed to orchestrate some diversion, maybe she could use that Landspeeder outside… 

Someone cleared his throat again. Kea sighed heavily and looked to the intruder. Wow, the Stormtrooper had stood out here in the Cantina, but that girl tops it! 

She looked like a princess out of some cheesy fantasy novel. She had curls of long red hair, secured by a diamond-encrusted band, large brown eyes and a heart-shaped face. She wore a white, embroidered coat beset with jewels and complicated symbols and a white cape with golden rim and a purplish lining. Her blue skirt was way too short for the Cantina - or any location - but revealed her long toned legs with ended in thigh-high white boots which sported more golden ornaments. She had a small frame and was probably a head shorter than Kea but seemed in good physical shape. Cute, but not my type.

Kea realized she had ogled the girl for some time and blushed.

“Well, princess, how can I help you?” she asked, her voice husky.

The young woman watched her from squinted eyes. “How did you know? I thought this was anonymous?”

“Anonymous? Maybe you’re looking for someone else. For something else.” Kea grimaced. Why are all these women hitting on me today?

The woman stood bolt upright. “I’m Celica, born in the year 385 in the Valentian calendar and year 590 in the Archanean calendar, daughter of Lima IV and Liprica, whom - I have been told - I bear a great resemblance to, king and queen of Zofia, on the continent Valentia.”

Kea chuckled about her misunderstanding. “So princess, you’re a real princess then. Fine with me, girl! But what d’ya want? Someone bothering you? Need help?”

The girl looked offended. “Thanks, I have no trouble to defend myself.” She opened her coat and revealed a long sword in a leather sheath. 

“Wow, careful with that, girl, you could hurt someone with that.”

Celica stroke the metal of the sword. “Quality Valentian Inconel steel, mono-layer tip, cuts through bones of any living and breathing creature like the proverbial laser cannon through an Imperial Star Destroyer”

Kea was impressed. “My name’s is Kea, by the way. What can I do for you, princess?”

 

**COUNTDOWN MINUS 92 minutes**

Celica was involuntarily fascinated by that warrior woman. Kea seemed tough and cocksure. The Tatooine suns had tanned her skin and her skimpy armor revealed quite a lot of it. Her feminine curves and the two long braids of bright blonde hair, her deep red lipsticks and the elaborated purple eyeshadow were an interesting contrast to her otherwise menacing and roguish persona. But this was not the time for distractions. 

Celica sat down next to Kea. “I make it short. The earlier I can leave this godforsaken planet, the better. My parents–“

“King and Queen.”

“Right. My parents recommended I see the galaxy before I return to our homeworld to begin my royal duties. Make valuable experiences.”

“Like embroidery or cooking?”

Celica cocked her eyebrows angrily. “No, I joined the Galactic Assassin Guild and embarked on a year long trainee program. Seeing different planets, moons, space stations, learning foreign customs and killing people while I’m there.”

Kea looked at Celica in astonishment. “I’m surprised. You don’t look the job, you know.”

Celica smiled confidently. “I know. That’s what helped me a lot in getting access to my marks. Once, there was this Lutrillian drug lord who also selling military secrets and traded slaves, and he was like, look at that girl, isn’t she cute, come sit with uncle. Next think I know I’m in his crib, fireplace burning, weird music playing and the guy makes his move one me. I slit his throat and cut off all limbs for good measure. Job done.” 

Kea chuckled. “Nice move, girl! So you are an apprentice assassin?”

“I have killed thirty-nine people on twenty-seven planets.”

“Thirty-nine? Wow! You got skills!”

Celica blushed.

“And Tatooine is your next trainee appointment?”

The princess nodded firmly.

“And what do you want from me exactly?”

“The Guild has recommended you. You can teach me some new assassin stuff.” Celica putt a small palm-sized device on the table. “Here’s all I got, including your location.”

Kea nodded approvingly as she scrolled through the information. “I didn’t know I was famous. So I should teach you some tricks about the mercenary job here on Tatooine?”

Celica grinned and nodded fiercely. 

“Well, you’re lucky, princess, as I have just accepted a job some minutes ago, and if you’re game, we can start your training right now!”

Celica clapped her hands in excitement. “Of course!” 

Her enthusiasm was contagious, and Kea started to grin. She looked at her new partner in crime. She is actually quite pretty. And her eyes are like these giant brown orbs, warm and deep and–

“Maybe we can start? With the job, you know?”

Kea blushed again and grinned sheepishly. “Right, let’s go!” She jumped up and started to walk away from their table.

“Hey, isn’t that yours?” Kea turned around. Celica was holding Kea’s energy rifle and smiled. 

“Right, this is my sniper rifle.” That never happened before, how could I forgot my weapon? What’s about that girl that I cannot think straight? 

“They don’t call me Long-Shot Kea for no reason,” she explained.

“There’s a chance that you might have got that wrong,” replied the princess with a broad grin, “ever heard of sarcasm?” 

Kea laughed out loud. And I start to like that girl.

As they moved through the smoke-filled cantina, packed with patrons, two figures suddenly blocked their way.

"Negola dewaghi wool dugger? ” said an Aqualish, a bald-headed alien with large black eyes, fur-covered cheeks, and two large tusks that stuck out of its jaws.

"He doesn't like you!” His comrade, a disfigured and hideously scarred human offered the translation, in a horrible accent, dribbling spit.

The four of them stared at each other with hostility. 

Celica clenched her teeth and reached to her sheathed sword. 

Kea noticed it from the edge of her eyes and put her arm on the other woman’s shoulder. 

Then Kea and the two aggressors broke out into roaring laughter, the Aqualish cackling the loudest. The warrior gave both of them a bear hug.

“My two favorite wankers on all Tatooine! That was a good one, doctor.”

“Watch me scare the rubes and desert bumpkins.” The man had he switched into clear Galactic Standard language, his dialect and drooling were gone.

Celica crossed her arms and watched the apparent act with consternation.

“Sorry, princess, this one’s Ponda Baba.” The Aqualish made a surprising elegant curtsy. “He’s a pirate, that’s all you need to know.” The alien cackled again. “And this is Doctor Cornelius. Both are old friends of mine.”

“What kind of doctor is he?” asked Celica skeptically.

“You don’t want to know” retorted the man and roared with laughter joined by the shaking Ponda.

Kea guffawed again, gave them a high-five and left, Celica in trail.

 

**COUNTDOWN MINUS 85 minutes**

After two more drinks, Ben finally called it off. “Well, Luke, my, uh, aspiring Jedi Knight, let’s return to this place the same time tomorrow. Then I will have great news for you.“

“Thank you, Master Ben, I’m looking forward to continue my Jedi training!” 

Luke bowed formally and walked away towards the exit of the Cantina.

The bartender and Ben watched him leave and shook their heads in unison.

“What are those Jedi the moron is talking about, Benny?” asked the Morseerian via his translator.

“Beats me! The kid has lost its marbles.” Ben snorted with laughter.

The Morseerian nodded and started cleaning glasses with a very dirty towel.

“Last week he’s here with his parents,” continued Ben, “but he constantly called them ‘aunt’ and ‘uncle’. They just rolled their eyes, gestured that he’s completely cuckoo, but we should go along. While the kid buys me drinks, I pretend he’s fucking Emperor Palpatine, for crying out loud.”

Benny and the barkeeper joined the laughter that roared the bar.

 

**COUNTDOWN MINUS 84 minutes**

The two women had made their way through the rowdy Cantina into the sunny outside. Celica was giddy in excitement and ran circles around the taller warrior woman. “What will we do now? You know a lot of weird people, that’s for sure. But I kinda like the camaraderie among the thugs and misfits and–“

Kea grabbed Celica’s glowed arm and put a finger on her lips. “Pst, princess. Watch and learn!”

Kea sauntered over the sandy ground towards the purplish Landspeeder. The golden protocol droid was nervously looking around when he saw Kea approaching.

“Remember me, droid?” Kea asked and leaned inside the vehicle. 

“Yes, miss, you were–“

“And do you know what I will do now?”

“With a probability of ninety-eight percent you will try to apprehend Master Luke’s Landspeeder.”

“You’re right about that. So I recommend you just step out of the vehicle and let us depart without making a fuzz about it.”

Celica tip-toed closer, her arms crossed behind her back, looking innocent. What’s the princess up to?

“Mr. Robot, if I recognize your type properly, you’re a Model 3PO-series protocol droid made by Cybot Galactica, right?”

The golden droid turned his head to the princess. “Very well observed, milady. I was manufactured in–“

“And this series of droids had built-in as well as detachable tracking devices, right?” Celica smiled broadly.

C-3PO hesitated for a moment, pondering his reply.

Celica leaned forward and exposed the sheath of her sword. “Do you know what this is, Mister Robot?”

“That is a mono-layer tipped Inconel sword–“

“Valentian Inconel steel,” Celica corrected the robot and winked at Kea, who watched the confrontation in amusement. “And do you think I could cut you in two pieces with this sword?”

The robot watched her, his mechanical limbs shifting nervously.

“Yes?” he offered sheepishly.

“Yes!” replied Celica firmly, and hit the windshield in front of the robot. The whole Landspeeder vibrated from the force of her punch.

“So if you don’t want to be cut into two pieces, I recommend, you deactivate all your tracking devices right now. We don’t want you guys to tracking us after we take your Landspeeder, right?”

“Oh,” said the droid.

“And,” Celica displayed a small pink cylindrical gadget, “this is a reconnaissance armor add-on for electronic warfare. Made on my homeworld. I can always check if you’ve really deactivated those trackers. So no funny business, right?” She exposed her sword again. “Or swoosh!” Her cutting gesture frightened the droid who jumped up from his seat. Then his gaze went blank for a moment. “Done,” he added, “everything is deactivated.”

“Great, now out of my car,” commanded Kea.

C-3PO awkwardly moved out of the seat and stepped away.

Kea jumped into the driver’s seat, adjusted the position, started the engine and revved it to full power for a test. Then she patted the co-pilot’s seat. “Join me, princess.”

Celica curtsied gracefully and hurled herself into the seat in an elegant cat-like motion. 

“Let’s go,” smirked Kea, “and to the next phase of my plan.”

Celica turned around and waved to C-3PO. “Bye, bye, Mister Robot!”

Kea made a racing start, and the droid and other bystanders were covered in a cloud of sand and debris.

“Your reconnaissance add-on came quite handy,” said Kea as they paced through the tight streets of Mos Eisley.

Celica giggled. “You mean my Massassi beauty-case?” She opened the small gadget and revealed a selection of make-up utensils.

Kea guffawed. “You have skills, girl.”

Celica leaned back in the seat, closed her eyes and let the airstream cool her sun-lit face. “I know a thing or two about robots. Knowledge is power””

Kea turned her head and looked at Celica’a relaxed face.

“You’re awfully pretty”, Kea spurted without thinking. 

Celica opened one eye and looked at Kea’s blushed face.

“You’re not so bad either,” Celica replied and put a hand on the muscular shoulder of the warrior.

Kea smiled. She revved the engine of the Landspeeder to the maximum, ignoring the angry shouting of other drivers that she cut off. 

As the sleek vehicle sped over the sandy roads, the long hair of the women was flowing in the wind. Celica raised her fist und hooted in delight.

 

**COUNTDOWN MINUS 81 minutes**

When Luke finally stepped into the hot sunlight, he was frustrated. Master Ben had been very reluctant to continue his Jedi training. Other patrons had made fun of Luke’s lightsaber, ignorant folks who were oblivious to the larger struggle between the Force and the Evil Empire! 

I’ll drive home to the Farm and have an ice-cold Bantha beer, that will cheer me up! 

C-3PO was waiting outside, dawdling back and forth.

“Threepio, you serve your master well. You will be rewarded.”

“Sir, there might be something you should know.”

“Where is my Landspeeder, C-3PO?” Luke dashed around the lot but there was no sign of his trusty vehicle.

“There were two women who took it. They were not very pleasant and forced me–“

“Common thieves! How despicable! I bet they are henchmen of that awful slimy creature, Jabba The Hutt, gangster and crime lord! He shall be damned! His evil reign will end today!” Luke pumped his fist to emphasize his point.

“Master Luke, I presume you are referring to Credit Department Clerk ‘Letters H-N’ Walter Jabba of the Zygian's Banking Concern?”

Luke grunted and charged away.

“I have a bad feeling about this,” the droid said to himself and followed Luke into the maze of Mos Eisley’s narrow, crowded streets.

 

**COUNTDOWN MINUS 72 minutes**

Kea had driven them to a small haphazard workshop in the middle of the old part of the town. She opened two large roll-up doors and pushed the Landspeeder inside.

During the drive, Kea had explained her plan to lure their mark out of town for easy apprehension to avoid undesired scrutiny from the Mos Eisley police force. Celica could fly away to her next target picked by the Guild, but Kea had no plans to leave Tatooine any time soon. 

Celica walked around the crammed interior of the workshop and whistled occasionally when she discovered some fancy tool. “So, we will record a video message and send it to that Luke guy, right?”

“That’s the plan, princess.”

“It’s lame. Something is missing! Some flavor!”

“Flavor?” Kea raised her eyebrows.

“Tata!” exclaimed Celica. “We could spray-paint the car differently!” She dropped some cans in front of the warrior. 

“Ah, that’s takes time and–“

“Please, please, please, pretty please!” Celica made the most adorable google eyes.

Kea grinned. “Ok, then.” 

“Hooray. I suggest an orange paint job with white stripes on the hood.” She picked adhesive tape from the shelf and starting masking the car’s front.

“What about this?” Kea held up a large Ronto skull. “Hood ornament?” She raised the skull in front of her head.

Celica bursted into laughter. “Put that away, the real you is much prettier.” 

Kea grabbed a nail-gun from the shelf and bolted the skull to the front of the Landspeeder between the two curved air intakes.

When she stood up, Celica had almost finished her preparation and started the spray-painting.

“We make a good couple,” Kea said, “power and brains.” 

“Power and brains. I like that,” retorted Celica through a mist of color and solvent, “but what’s then left for you?”

Celica laughed out loud at her gibe, and Kea joined in joyfully.

 

**COUNTDOWN MINUS 45 minutes**

“Look at you,” spurted Luke immediately after he had entered Jabba’s shady lair, “a wrinkled, slimy, swindling criminal who terrorizes regular folks like me.” 

Luke watched Jabba with revulsion. The Hutt had a large mouth, stubby arms and looked like a massive, disgusting slug.

Jabba studied him with watery eyes, his facial expression slack and emotionless.

“Where’s my Landspeeder, you monster? What’ve you done with it? Speak, speak, in the name of the Gods, before I have to use my secret Force Convince power!”

 

**COUNTDOWN MINUS 44 minutes**

“Mr. Kowalski, no need to get so agitated.” The bank officer pushed the alarm button under his desk to alert security. “You know very well, that you are behind with your credit payments. We have informed you about the upcoming seizure of your property several times. The correspondence between our bank and yourself is very distinct in this matter.” He leaned forward and turned the display of his computer around to show Luke the documents.

Luke started to wave his hands in peculiar patterns and mumbled in a low-key monotonous voice. “There is no evidence, you have forgotten about it. You will give me my Landspeeder back.”

“Well, I don’t know anything about the whereabouts of your Landspeeder, you are obviously confused. But I want to remind you, that due your lack of payment, tomorrow all moisture vaporators at your farm will be impounded and sold off to the highest bidder.” He smiled and waved the armed guards inside in his cubicle.

Luke continued to move his hands. When one of the guards put a hand on his shoulder, Luke jumped straight up and turned around.

“Your armed minions cannot deter me!” 

“Mr. Jabba, Sir, everything all right with the customer?” one of the guards asked, scrutinizing Luke suspiciously.

Jabba nodded. “Please escort Mr. Kowalski out of the building. Thank you.”

“Argh, I’m overpowered!” Luke waved his flashlight in their faces. “You must have a jamming device that blocks me from using the Force!” 

The two guards grabbed Luke by his arms and dragged him away.

 

**COUNTDOWN MINUS 43 minutes**

The women looked at the Landspeeder’s new exterior.

“Happy?” Kea extended her hand for a high five.

“Happy!” replied Celica and clapped her hand against Kea’s.

“Then let’s record the ransom note to get things going.” Kea started to fiddle with her communicator. “Let’s stand in front of the Landspeeder, and we improvise the rest.”

Celica smiled. The short while with Kea had been fun, exciting and instructive. The warrior was roguish, funny and sweet and she felt she knew her already for ages. Being with Kea had kindled Celica’s imaginations in unexpected direction. I’d like to run my hands through the strands of her long blonde hair… 

Her daydream was interrupted when the Kea leaned forward and wiped a blob of orange paint from Celica’s perky nose.

“Now you’re ready for prime time!” Kea’s smile was warm and inviting.

Celica licked her lips. 

“Well, let’s start with the video then, shall we?” the warrior continued.

Celica sighed. Maybe another time then.

Kea held the communicator in her outstretched hand in front of them. 

“Hit it, princess!” she said and started to record.

 

**COUNTDOWN MINUS 42 minutes**

Luke’s arms hurt from the manhandling of the two guards who unceremoniously dumped him in the antechamber of Jabba’s lair. 

Why did the Force fail me today?

“Luke, there you’re!” Familiar voices! He saw Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen approaching. His uncle showed his credentials to the guards and handed over some money. “We vouch for him,” he said conspiratorially and winked. The guards shrugged and left.

“Luke, come and sit with me.” His aunt dragged him to a table close to the exit. 

Luke watched the surroundings anxiously, as this was a dangerous place and he had to protect his Aunt from any evildoers.

They sat down opposite the small table, and Beru grabbed Luke’s hand.

“Luke, you know we love you, do you? But please, please, stop calling me your aunt! I’m your mother, in the name of the twin moons, I am your mother!”

Luke’s jaw stiffened. “Aunt, what’re you talking about? My parents have been killed in the Sith Wars. You’ve adopted me to hide me from the pursuers sent by the Galactic Empire!”

Berg sighed and closed her eyes.

“I know the situation might look desperate. Spies and conspirators are on my trail, my Jedi training is not complete, and the moisture vaporators from the Skywalker farm will be impounded–”

His aunt looked up. “Come again?”

Owen grabbed Luke by the shoulders and shook him violently. “We’re the Kowalskis, goddamnit, stop that Skywalker nonsense.” 

“I will absorb your hostility, uncle Lars, as the Dark Side of the Force must have reached you with its long, bony fingers.” Luke clawed his right hand and watched his moving fingers with disdain.

Owen let Luke go, slumped into a seat nearby and sunk his head into his hands.

Beru intervened. “Luke, dear, please stop it. Skywalker is just such a stupid name. It’s lame, bogus, pathetic, moronic, idiotic, childish, naive, meaningless, presumptuous– “

“So you don't like it, Aunt Beru?”

Beru shook her head and sighed. “If you really, really, want to assume a secret identity, please think of a more mature name.”

“Well, if there's a bright center to the universe, you're on the planet that it's farthest from.”

“Where does the kid pick up that esoteric shit?” intervened Owen, “does he believe he’s better than his father? That being a farmer is somehow below him?”

“Don't be so hard with him,” said Beru, “since Luke was hit on his head by the moisture generator, he’s not himself anymore.”

Luke was perplexed about the conversation. He had been hit on the head? For sure he did not remember such a thing. 

Suddenly his communicator beeped, signaling an incoming message. 

Maybe an invitation from the Jedi Academy?

He checked the video message. Two women were standing in front of his Landspeeder. The taller one seemed familiar, but he could not pinpoint where he had seen her before. She said: “Hit it, princess!” The smaller woman took her sword and smashed the exterior mirror off the vehicle. “We have your Landspeeder, asshole. Grab it if you dare.” Attached was a set of coordinates.

The ways of the Force are mysterious, indeed, as it has many detours for me. 

He stood up and left the perplexed Owen and Beru behind. “Hey, about the moisture vaporators–“ his aunt queried but the sentence was cut short as the sliding exit door rapidly closed behind him.

C-3PO was waiting in the glistening sunlight outside.

“Sir, I am so happy to see you again, my calculations showed a probability of seventy-one percent that you are taken to an insane asylum.”

“Threepio, I’ve must get my Landspeeder back. Come with me.”

 

**COUNTDOWN MINUS 9 minutes**

Luke and C-3PO had walked for half an hour to a location outside town limits. There, in the outskirts of the Tatooine desert, Luke’s Landspeeder was parked, and had been obviously abandoned. 

“My Force Find ability guided us here mysteriously,” Luke said ominously.

“Master Luke, the exact coordinates of the location in the message certainly helped us–“

“Quiet C-3PO! Let’s have a closer look!”

They approached the deserted vehicle.

“See what those monsters have done!” Luke was exasperated. “A new paint job, all orange? And what is that hood ornament? A Ronto skull? An abomination! I will take back what’s rightfully mine!” 

He jumped behind the steering wheel and checked the interior. “Everything seems OK here, good.” Suddenly Luke yelped in surprise. “Even the key is in the ignition, Threepio! Those amateurs!”

He started the Landspeeder and patted the seat next to him. “Come C-3PO, we’ll drive home to Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru.”

The droid waddled towards the Landspeeder and clumsily sat down in the passenger seat. The vehicle started to hover, and Luke slowly accelerated.

“Sir, the possibility that this is a trap is approximately three thousand seven hundred and twenty to one.”

“That’s bogus, Threepio, my Jedi abilities are strong, and I do not sense such a thing as a trap.”

 

**COUNTDOWN MINUS 7 minutes**

“It’s a trap, moron.” Kea’s shouted gleefully. 

Luke hit the brakes of the Landspeeder hard as a large four-legged beast with an enormous tusk-covered head blocked his way. On the saddle was one of the women he had seen in the message, the taller one, wearing dark decorated armor. A large rifle was dangling from her shoulder. Her stance on  the saddle was awfully relaxed. The other woman from the message appeared from behind a large boulder and menacingly waved her long sword in front of the Landspeeder’s windshield. That weapon looked sharp and dangerous.

Where’s my lightsaber? 

Luke looked around the interior and realized that his trusty weapon had fallen to the floor of the vehicle.

“Threepio, leave the car,“ Luke whispered to his droid, “things will get ugly.”

 

**COUNTDOWN MINUS 6 minutes**

“Give back my Landspeeder” shouted Kea.

“It is my Landspeeder, you evil woman! You stole it from me!”

“That’s correct, but you deserved it. Remember the Cantina, jerk?”

“You spray-painted it in orange, you demon!”

Kea was perplexed. “So what? That’s your biggest concern?”

Luke watched her open-mouthed. “No,” he said after a long while, “I have to deal with greater complications to maintain the delicate equilibrium of the Force in the Galaxy, woman!”

The droid awkwardly stepped out of the car and moved around it. 

What are they up to?

Kea sighed, shouldered her heavy rifle and aimed at the man behind the steering wheel. The desert was brightly lit by the burning light of Tatooine’s dual suns, so she could not see much through the scope, but it was first and foremost intimidation. 

“They don’t call me ‘Long Shot’ Kea for nothing” she blasted.

“I’m still not convinced that that was not meant sarcastically,” shouted Kea walking closing towards the Landspeeder to keep an eye on the droid.

“Double negative, princess. Didn’t they teach you proper grammar at princess school?”

“I actually learned a lot at princess school, thank you very much. I got an A+ in Weapon’s Handling and if I look at your stance, I’m positive that you could not hit a Bantha from arm’s length with it.”

Kea enjoyed the cocky side of Celica. She actually liked a lot about the princess, but this was not the time to think about that, at least not yet. 

Where is that Stormtrooper? I have sent her the coordinates minutes ago. This charade should be over by now.

Luke suddenly grabbed something from the passenger seat. The Princess raised her enormous sword and in one lightning-fast, fluid motion she swung it down on the young man, cutting his left arm cleanly off. The severed forearm fell down into the Landspeeder’s interior. Blood started gushing out of the open wound. Luke looked dumbfounded. Celica cleaned her sword, winked at Kea, bowed and smiled. 

Wow, that sword of hers is really sharp. And the princess is so cute when she’s violent and dangerous.

The golden robot awkwardly stepped over the sandy surface towards the other side of the car. “Oh, Master Luke, I collect your arm for potential surgical reattachment. I have, if I may say so, some experience in this matter.” 

“That robot waddles like an Aldebarian sea pig. Finish him, Celica!” Kea shouted.

Celica gave her a mock salute and ran gracefully around the vehicle, swung her sword again and cut the robot into two pieces. Top and bottom dropped to the ground, severed tubes sticking out of both ends and liquids gushing out of the severed lines.  

“I have a bad feeling about th–“ started the robot before his eyes went dark.

“Threepio, your sacrifice is valued by the Jedi Alliance!” shouted Luke from inside the car.

“You’ve ten seconds to step out of the vehicle,” yelled Kea. Technically that was a lie, but it sounded good.

“No way, I will use my unfathomable Jedi powers on you, woman.”

“Ten, nine–“

“You cannot intimidate me–“

“Eight, seven, six–“

“I would follow her orders, she’s one mean bitch!” shouted Celica.

“Thanks, princess! Where was I? OK, Four, three–“

“What about six? No cheating! We are honorable criminals.” Celica pouted.

“We are?” Kea closed her eyes and sighed. “OK, then, six five–“

“And don’t call me princess. I like the sound of your voice when you call me Celica. Makes my body tingle. iIn a good way.”

 

**COUNTDOWN MINUS 1 minute**

Star Vixen had raced to the location once Kea had sent her the message that  Luke had been apprehended. 

She climbed on top of a small hill and surveyed the situation. The farm boy was in the car, injured but alive. Good. 

The Landspeeder was cornered by that large four-legged creature. Good. 

The scenery was deserted except the four of them, so no witnesses. Good. 

From her elevated position Star Vixen also had a clear shot on her target. Good. 

She grinned.

The warrior was lounging on the saddle of her creature and continued the mock countdown. “Four. Celica, Celica, Celica.”

The princess theatrically moaned three times with a sassy grin.

“Get a room!” Star Vixen shouted. She had followed the banter between the two women and started to lose her patience with them. 

“Hey, who was that?” That Luke guy was turning his head back and forth. “I heard a voice,” he shouted, “is it the voice of the Force talking to me?” 

Star Vixen shook her head. Her target was a pathetic little man.

“You couldn’t bring yourself to kill me before and I don’t believe you’ll destroy me now.” he shouted, his teeth clenched.

“You might rethink that” deadpanned Kea, motioned Celica to step back and gave Star Vixen a thumbs-up gesture.

Star Vixen nodded and looked through the scope of her energy rifle. 

Then she pulled the trigger.

The outburst of blue light shattered the windshield and went through Luke’s body. Blood spurted out of the large wound immediately. His eyes went blank and his head dropped. 

Star Vixen looked through the rifle’s scope again. A clear shot, the bullet had passed through and had emerged on the other side. She could even see the desert behind the Landspeeder through the finger-sized hole in Luke’s body. The little prick was dead, the Emperor could sleep well again, albeit Star Vixen was skeptical about that alternative timeline thing. That Luke guy seemed hardly like a threat, let alone like a guy that could topple the Galactic Empire. 

Not my problem, just followed my orders, she thought.

Star Vixen stood up, shouldered her weapon and checked that her helmet cam had captured the action in whole.

She looked down to the other two women. That Kea chick seemed very enamored with that princess girl. Star Vixen shrugged. Well, other mothers have also beautiful sons and daughters. 

She grabbed her intercom and called for the extraction team.

 

**COUNTDOWN plus 22 minutes**

The Imperial Stormtroopers had come and gone with professional efficiency. Star Vixen had handed Kea the rest of the money, then she had waved goodbye from the open hatch of a Imperial Transport Shuttle before it departed into the atmosphere, Luke’s dead body safely on board.

“And now?” asked Celica, drawing lines in the sand. “What about the Landspeeder? 

“Nah, never liked the vehicle. I stick to my Cruxopus, it takes me everywhere I wanna go. And it runs on rodents.”

She paused.

“Wanna stay a bit longer, princess?”

Celica shrugged and looked into the distance. One sun had already set, the other was near the horizon. The light was orange and warm.

Kea stood up, dusted off her armor pieces and offered her hand to the pouting Celica. “Make a case for me to stay, Kea.”

“Well, it’s warm and dry, I can offer lots of excitement. I just earned three thousand Galactic Credits that I plan to guzzle in Mos Eisley or Tosche Station. And I could need help for that. And company. Pleasant and charming company. Pleasant and charming and ruthless company.”

She extended her gloved arm.

Celica smiled, grabbed the hand and let herself pull up by Kea.

They walked slowly towards the Cruxopus. 

“I have to warn you, Celica, though, this will be nothing like your youth.”

“Humor me! How was my youth?” Celica replied pinching Kea’s arm hard.

“Ouch,” Kea shrieked in feigned pain. “Well, I imagine a very sheltered upbringing by Mommy and Daddy. You blushed the first time when some handsome prince asked you for a dance at some pompous event. Afterwards you discussed for hours with your giggling handmaidens if it’s acceptable that you hold hands with him the next time he visits the court in some political matters, probably barbarians threatening to invade your oh-so-civilized country from the North. Then you got all teary-eyed when Prince Handsome told you he has to leave and may never come back. And you throw all your caution in the wind and let him kiss you on the cheek, you wench!”

Celica giggled and took the warrior’s hand in hers. “Actually, you’re completely wrong, as expected,” Celica added with mock outrage. “There was no handsome prince, for starters. There were, however, the girls at Princess School, real floozies, not demure at all, I could tell you stories you won’t believe. Then there were some bar girls at shady places, a couple of women I met during my missions, and a very very high-ranking Alliance politician. She was real enamored with me, thank you very much. So case closed, you cocky brute!”

Kea chuckled. “You made that all up, right?” she asked.

“I did,” confessed Celica.

“All of it?”

Celica shrugged. “A princess doesn't kiss and tell,” she cooed. 

Kea elegantly climbed on her Cruxopus and sat comfortably in the saddle. She extended her arm, and pulled Celica up to sit behind her on the back of the Cruxopus.

The heavy animal got into motion.

Celica was reminded of the joy-rides she had taken on fusion-driven mech-bikes over the twenty-line highways on her home planet’s capital city. But this was better. Somehow the slow up and down of the walking creature was soothing. And the closeness to the Kea’s warm body was pleasant. Celica slung her arms around the thin waist of the warrior and put her head down between Kea’s shoulder blades.

She watched the desert landscape go by, as both suns moved closer to the horizons, bathing the barren desert into magical and promising light.

**Author's Note:**

> It was inspired by a scale model diorama that I had built that depicted the climax of the story (https://www.scalemates.com/profiles/mate.php?id=12750&p=albums&album=35754#16). So I just to come up with a (hopefully inventive and entertaining) story that would led to that climax...


End file.
